看大家都那么多愁善感、压力重重，我来发一些平时遇到的搞笑的事，或听到的笑话给mm们消减压力吧，呵呵。

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第一个是关于离婚的话题：Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It is made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean, what are your relations like?
P: All my relations are still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I am always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she is white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She is going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She is going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say:"Polish Remover".

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哈哈,很好玩!

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haha, 谢谢楼上的支持。
今天加分额度满了，明天再来给你加。再来一个关于加拿大人的笑话：

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其实帖子的题目有点不准确，不过我真的不知点样改个名，我会把加拿大方面的笑话和趣事尤其是女人方面的故事做为主线盖楼，这样斑竹就会把主题留在女人坊而不是别的板块。

但愿姐姐妹妹们在笑的同时，更多一些对加拿大社会文化的了解和体验，尤其是了解一下他们的Sense of Humour的风格... 其实也欢迎男生们进来一起参与的～ 支持女人坊～女人的世界，没有男人，也许会很干净很美丽，但却少了快乐这东西。因此，我宁愿不完美，也一定要多一点快乐～ I love men Yay!

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[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.

So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort.

[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]
The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. [/FONT]

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千万不要得罪加拿大女人


Don't mess with Canadian women…..

An Englishman, an American and a Canadian were all sitting in a bar.

They were discussing whose wife was more obedient and the Englishman said proudly, “I told my wife last week that she had to do ALL the housework, no exceptions. I told her I wouldn’t help with ANY of it. First day I saw nothing. Second day I saw nothing. But on the THIRD day, I came home and the house was spotless!”

“Oh yeah?” said the American, “Well I told MY wife last week that she has to do all the housework AND all the cooking with no help at all from me. So on the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the THIRD day I came home to find the house sparkling and my favourite meal waiting for me on the dinner table! How about THAT?”

“Hey, that’s nothing.” muttered the Canadian, “I told MY wife that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping AND anything else I wanted. First day I saw nothing. Second day I saw nothing. BUT by the THIRD day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

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这个是交通标志集锦，哈哈

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这个笑话貌似很多版本在坊间流传，实际出处是这个事件（点击图片即可看到放大的）：
Divert Your Course!!!
--- Canadians vs. Americans

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加拿大之歌～
A Canadian Poem

It’s winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow’s up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Canada

‘Cause I’m frozen to the ground!!

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Harper Looking For The Women Vote:

Harper Helps An Ontario Lady

"Prime Minister Stephen Harper was walking through Ottawa and was astonished to see an old woman, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a pothole.

'Tsk Tsk!' The Prime Minister said himself. 'What a sad sight. That poor old woman is fishing over a pothole. I'll see if I can help and try to look great in the eyes of the media and the Canadian people.'

So Prime Minister Harper walked up to the old woman and asked, 'What are you doing, my dear Lady?'

'Fishin', sir.'

'Fishin', eh? Well, how would you like to come have a drink with me?'

The old woman stood, put her rod away and followed the Prime Minister to the corner bar.

He ordered a large glass of beer.

Her host, the Prime Minister, felt good about helping the old woman, and he asked, 'Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?'

The old Lady took a long drag on a cigarette, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, 'You're the sixth today, sir!'"

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Gender jokes appear to make fun of either men or women, but are usually laughing at them both. If you find yourself offended by a joke in this section, we encourage you to submit ten more that you think are funnier. Have a good time, and remember:

Live the life you love Love the god you Trust And don't take it all Too Seriously
--- Love N' Rockets

Man Dealing With Wife
Man and wife traveling. Wife is nagging husband…
－－－－ －－－－
A man marries the meanest woman in town.

Everyone tells the man: man you’re crazy, that woman is the meanest woman in town. Every man she marries she drives him crazy.

So the man says I have something for that.

So they get on with their trip. The man and the woman are on one mule riding to their house. On the way down the road the donkey slips up and stumbles and the man says "that's one time."

They get a little further down the road the donkey slips up again, the man says "that's two times."

They get a little further down the road and the donkey stumbles again, the man says "that's three times."

Then the man and wife got off the donkey and the man shoots it. The wife gets mad and says "man are you crazy that was our only transportation you son of a bitch!!

The man says, "that's one time."

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The wrong husband

My husband...

A woman goes to a party and leaves her husband at home to watch the football game.

At the party the bartender recognized her wedding ring on the wrong finger so he ask her "Why is your wedding ring on the wrong finger mam?"

"Well you don’t miss a thing do you and your right it is, and it’s because I married the wrong man!"

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What Women Know About Men
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One . . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He’s breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common.

They are both empty from the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows. . . . . .It’s never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?

E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?

So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?

If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

By anisha

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男人和女人出门旅行的不同结果>>>> 这个笑话简直太形象了，把加拿大男人的性格描述的入木三分 暴笑ing... 剪草去了，大家好好enjoy lol

His & Hers Road Trip


她 HERS:
-----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

他 HIS:
----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-11.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19. Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost.

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Michelle Libra 说:

这个笑话去年很流行，是一个群发邮件带起的。男生们乐此不疲地把笑话copy了发给女人们，在facebook尤盛。我还经常收到短信，问：喂，这个星期天你参加了反恐行动没有？而现实生活中，听说真有人这样做了！lmao~~~~ ​

How Canadian women can fight terrorism​

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]So, this Sunday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti- terrorist effort. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Canadian women.[/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]The Canadian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. [/FONT]

点击展开...

, OMG, I laughed out to tears! Haha!

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jasiminee 说:

, OMG, I laughed out to tears! Haha!

点击展开...

jasiminee，怎么这么久不理我们了？想死我了。看到你真开心。

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顶M妹妹的强帖！

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太强了,笑得肚子都疼了.

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给所有顶贴的人都加纷纷了，呵呵

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很多英文笑话只可意会，不可言传，而且翻译了就没有那种效果啦，所以我就不附中文啦，呵呵。如果有词组或句子搞不懂，可以提一下，我尽量做个容易懂的解释，这样大家就好理解了。

下面这个是个问答题形式的笑话，都是关于性方面的话题

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两个老同学见面了，谈论各自的老公是必然的，看看辛迪和莎丽说些什莫吧

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顶贴！辛苦了。

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惊奇水上飞 说:

顶贴！辛苦了。

点击展开...

谢谢～ 明天继续～

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这个也很搞笑：

Whether CONSERVATIVE, LIBERAL or NEW DEMOCRAT, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister .
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'



Stephe

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Want to hear a funny joke?
Womens Rights

Why can't women drive?
Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, somebody already told her twice

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes? Aw HAYELL Naw!

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Q: What do you call a woman with pigtails?
A: A ******* with handlebars!

Q: How long does it take for a man to make dinner?
A: As long as it takes for him to get out the belt!

You think men have it easy? You're dead wrong, they have to work up a sweat to keep taking out the belt and putting it back in again.

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Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: trick question, feminists can't change anything!

Q:Why does every man need a woman?
A:Because the dishes would get to piled up without one.
Edit: Pwned'

Question: What is the difference between a woman and a catfish?
Answer: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

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A jogger is running along one morning when he hears crying.
He slows down and sees an armless, legless woman sitting at a table bawling.
Heart heavy, he walks over and asks her what the problem is. Sniffling, she says, "I've never been hugged before.."
The jogger leans over, hugs her, and smiles as he takes off.
The next day the cripple is still there, crying again.
The jogger slows down and asks her what the matter is this time.
She leans over and wipes her snotty nose on the table and says, "I've never been kissed before.."
The man leans over and lays a wet one on her cheek.
He jogs off, waving bye to her smiling face.
The next day, he jogs up and shes crying her eyes out yet again.
The jogger runs over and asks her "what now?"
The bleary-eyed woman looks up and says, "I've never been OWNED before.."
The man bends over, picks her up, and chucks her into a pool and calls, "Now your OWNED!"
Edit: The feminists "BAWWWWW'd" trying to edit this, while the men celebrated over a cold-one!

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Women...
HOW can you trust anything that has two B U T T H O L E S, broke its own d i c k off, won't leave yours alone, says the exact opposite of what it means, and bleeds for a week every month and still lives??
Edit: (Yet another feminists failure edit...GET~BACK~TO~THE~KITCHEN!)

Why don't women talk to men every time they're in public?
You're not supposed to tell the answer to people who experience this, dumb ass! Don't you see them with boyfriends everywhere?

Why do women not offer sex all the time?
Because there's no pay involved.

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because not only do most women oppose minorities reproducing, but the government does as well. Illegal immigrant, "official customers".

How do you know women are racist?
Because there are still people who haven't been in Africa their whole life, called African Americans.

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Why don't women talk to other customers at restaurants?
Because men aren't women, dumb ass, they ugly pieces of ****.

Why aren't women's genius fully appreciated?
Because they fail to offer themselves to us.

What's the difference between our appreciation of men, and women?
There's actually a demand for the women.

How do you know you're truely gay?
Because you have the average male sex drive, and expect to satisfy it.

Emo men are apparently women's saviors. If it seems like they can still appreciate other women, they wonder if emo boys are women.

Over time girl's mature into socially adept adults. The only fear they have is approaching men for children. Sex is one thing.

Why did the woman cross the road?
To go to the grocery store, idiot. Get your mind outta the gutter, were you thinking to give you her number?

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Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.
Edit: THIS JOKE IS PERFECT DON'T MESS WITH IT


Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!
Edit: So they can get a new dress for the funeral. (We found out he later 'Chris Brown'd' her to death...all their good for of course)

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman
Edit: (WHITES-43, BLACKS-1, WOMEN 0!)

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.
Edit: Nothing! The dog will be going home with your ex-wife once the papers are signed. (DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK C O C K S!)

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Edit: GET IT? B'CUZ THEY ARE FAT AND ALWAYS EAT CHOCOLATE!...GET IT? HUH? HUH? (successful troll is successful)

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(someone no body cares about)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Edit: underage n' el'preggo (TYPICAL!).

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Edit: (nobody cares let's watch football).

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这个长周末，一直艳阳高照的阿省，忽然迎来了暴雨狂风，气温骤降到四度八度左右，朋友们纷纷在Facebook上发言(A、B、C等均为人名，在这里用字母代替好了)，很有趣：

A knows everyone needs a constant in their life - we're so fortunate to have the wind as our constant. *~ insert EXTREME sarcasm ~* Global warming - NOT. Global BLOWING!

B is glad he is not camping, at this point it is not fun, it would testing the family bonds and possibly a precursor to divorce.

C is feeling for the campers this weekend. Looks like a pajama day at the Schmidt house.

D bbrrr... freezing cold weekend... SO glad I'm not camping...

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胎教一下，哈哈
谢谢米郑

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前面贴的好多都是别人转的，今天来一个现实版的笑话：

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid? I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital.'