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英文笑话

原文链接:https://forum.iask.ca/threads/44793/

eli8 : 2006-02-14#1
Subject: Helping the Aging Housewife



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

Peter_ZKH : 2006-02-14#2
aging!

eli8 : 2006-02-14#3
Subject: : : : THE HUSBAND STORE : : :


A store that sells New Husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband : )

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. It reads...

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!?BR>
So here starts the story...

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She decides to go to the second floor.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

She decides to go to the third floor.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

==============================================

: : : THE WIFE STORE : : :

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Redrose : 2006-02-14#4
FUNNY!!!!

eli8 : 2006-02-15#5
Subject: Restaurant Funny


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, I just forward them, I don't write them.)

eli8 : 2006-02-15#6
subject: cute boys


Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The other kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a
little nervous."

The first one says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake
up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says "to be circumcised ."

"Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born......
.........couldn't walk for a year."

eli8 : 2006-02-15#7
subject: To Be 6 Again


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

eli8 : 2006-02-15#8
subject: Definition of ugly..........


An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

kitty2005 : 2006-02-15#9
^_^

eli8 : 2006-02-16#10
subject: Cosmopolitan Desert Island


On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and ! ! ; it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

eli8 : 2006-02-16#11
subject: May - December marriage


At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
As Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

eli8 : 2006-02-16#12
subject: INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST


This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is epresented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

eli8 : 2006-02-16#13
subject: this is creeepy


Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the
phone literally rang as soon as I read
the last word of this email!!!!!














I am taking the bait -
what do I have to lose right?


















Hope it works!


















Supposedly The Phone Will Ring
Right After You Do This.


















Just read the little stories and
think of a wish as you scroll all
the way to the bottom. There is
a message there - then make your
wish.
















No attachment on this one.


















Stories


















I'm 13 years old, and I wished
that my dad would come home fr om
the army, because he'd been having
problems with his heart and right
leg. It was 2:53 p .m. When I made
my wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes
later), the doorbell rang, and
there my Dad was, luggage and all!!






I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been
having trouble in my job and on the
verge of quitting. I made a simple
wish that my boss would get a new
job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55
there was an announcement that he
was promoted and was leaving for
another city. Believe me...this
really works!!!










My name is Ann and I am 45 years
of age. I had always been single
and had been hoping to get into a
nice, loving relationship for man y
years. While kind of daydreaming
(and right after ! receivin g this email)
I wished that a quality person would
finally come into my life. That was at
9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM
a FedEx delivery man came into my
office.He was cute, polite and
could not stop smiling at me. He
started coming back almost everyday < BR>(even without packages) and
asked me
out a week later . We married 6
months later and now have been
happily married for 2 years.


What a great email it was!!


















Just scroll down to the end, but
while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed
scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the
number of minutes it will take for your
wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years
old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
to come true).


















However, if you don't sen d this to
people in 5 minutes, you will have bad
luck for years!!


Go for it!!!










SCROLL DOWN!!!!


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STOP!!!


Congratulations!!! Your wish will
now come true in your age minutes.


Now follow this carefully....it
can be very rewarding!!!!


If you send this to 10 more
people, other than the 5 that you
a! lready h ave to send to, something
major that you've been wanting
will happen.


Message: This is scary!


The phone will ring right after
you do this!

eli8 : 2006-02-16#14
subject: Weeweechu


One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

[NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]

eli8 : 2006-02-16#15
subject: A GOOD ONE


Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long Time...

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed , disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student , balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is! a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment , knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love . It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

If you send this to 5 people, then you have a chance to touch 5 people.
You won't get any wish for material things, however you might just find a piece of serenity and the warmth of God's touch.

Working for God on earth doesn't pay much ......but His retirement plan is out of this world ! Amen!!!!!!!

eli8 : 2006-02-16#16
subject: this is cute.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again.

If you didn't laugh at this one, there's no help for you...

偏偏 : 2006-02-16#17
怎么有这么多啊?看傻我了。哈哈哈

eli8 : 2006-02-16#18

eli8 : 2006-02-16#19
偏偏 说:
怎么有这么多啊?看傻我了。哈哈哈

我这儿还有上千个 email 没看呢,这种英文笑话我这里太多了,那些老外网友们一直在发。我的很多朋友都想学英语,所以都特意找我要英文笑话呢,我一想,放在这里不也挺好吗,谁都能看。

偏偏 : 2006-02-16#20
挺好的。我爱看。有意思呀,看新闻忒没劲。

eli8 : 2006-02-16#21
i love this one very much. ha ha ha........eli8


subject: the perfect couple


http://www.funnies.com/couple.swf

eli8 : 2006-02-16#22
Subject: A man and his wife


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

偏偏 : 2006-02-16#23
我也贴一个:)

Distance from the accident

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

eli8 : 2006-02-17#24
subject: 28 WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE A CHINESE.


1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).

2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

5. You hate to waste food

a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)

b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.

7. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.

9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker.

10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.

17. You never call your parents just to say hi.

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty(yeet hay in Cantonese).

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

21. You always cook too much.

22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics, computers.

25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

27. You know why this list consists of only "28"reasons.

28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.

eli8 : 2006-02-17#25
Blonde Moments!


There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns."But the reason this cow don't have no horns,ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

eli8 : 2006-02-17#26
Subject: Funny Religion Stories



Waking Up for Church:

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) you're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
**************************
The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs.Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
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The USHER:

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
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Show and Tell:

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
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The Best Way To Pray:

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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The Twenty and the One:

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
**************************
Goat for Dinner:

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

wyman : 2006-02-17#27
Reading the jokes and learning english!, that is good!

eli8 : 2006-02-18#28
subject: Wal Mart


Wal Mart has EVERYTHING!! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.


Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."


So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if! the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

暗影800 : 2006-02-19#29
but so longer~~~~~

eli8 : 2006-02-20#30
subject: don't worry


For all those who can't be bothered with Valentine's Day...


Don't worry, I've taken care of things...











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附件


eli8 : 2006-02-20#31
subject: These are the universal laws of nature


Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

eli8 : 2006-02-20#32
subject: THE RIVER


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! ! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO
CAN HANDLE IT!

eli8 : 2006-02-20#33
subject: The Necklace


The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you."

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy, this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants you to let go of? Are you holding on to relationships, habits and activities that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing .

God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

The greatest gifts happen when you share love and touch others.

eli8 : 2006-02-20#34
subject: DEAD PRIVATE PARTS


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

eli8 : 2006-02-20#35
subject: Office memo - URGENT!!!!!



Good Morning Employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our Basic Understanding List of Leaders (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of Managerial Operational Research Education (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Teaching, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

eli8 : 2006-02-20#36
subject: a hospital funny



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e

- m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

eli8 : 2006-02-20#37
subject: truely priceless


Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless

eli8 : 2006-02-20#38
subject: how to take a shower



How to shower like a woman:


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.


Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.


Admire wiener size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.


If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

eli8 : 2006-02-20#39
subject: The High Cost of Veterinarians!!!


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00".

eli8 : 2006-02-20#40
subject: What religion is YOUR bra?



A man walked into the ladies department at a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types! .

The sales lady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types."

"Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra cup sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? It is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

eli8 : 2006-02-20#41
subject: Sunday Morning Sex



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..."

eli8 : 2006-02-20#42
Subject: ETHICAL DILEMNA



You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

.....God, I just love happy endings!

eli8 : 2006-02-22#43
subject: THIS WILL MAKE MOST OF U CRY.


THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX! And you're on the computer!

eli8 : 2006-02-22#44
Subject: Newly Weds...


A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

"LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

eli8 : 2006-02-22#45
subject: how to handle a husband


A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

eli8 : 2006-02-22#46
Subject: It's Satan's Fault


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Do you want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO's.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

eli8 : 2006-02-22#47
Subject: Elderly Couple. really cute


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.


An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "Come on we're outta here."

eli8 : 2006-02-22#48
Subject: Weird


Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist! and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

eli8 : 2006-02-22#49
subject: test


Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.

This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life.
Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20. Write the letter of each answer and score at the end. Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line!

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue< BR>b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6 a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wa x coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12.. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19 a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, a nd he sounds just as good today..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line!

wyman : 2006-02-22#50
keep on reading ~faint~ so long ,it spent me a lot of time.

eli8 : 2006-02-22#51
subject: I am Charlie Brown.........eli8.


Just a fun thing to do......and make sure to let me know who you are!!!!

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.....So they say.....

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of Well know and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your Points at the end and look for your results. Then forward this to all your friends and change t he subject of this message to what character is you.

Don't spoil the fun!!! - Send me back what YOU are!!

1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner
b) Fun/Theme Park
c) Painting in the park
d) Rock concert
e) Going to the movies

2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Country
e) Pop

3) What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter
b) Professional Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Police
e) Cashier

5) What do you do with your s! pare time?
a) Exercise
b) Read
c) Watch television
d) Listen to music
e) Sleep

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow
b) White
c) Sky Blue
d) Dark Blue
e) Red

7) What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow
b) Pizza
c) Sushi
d) Pasta
e) Salad

8) What is your favorite Holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year
d) Valentines Day
e) Thanksgiving

9) If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart
b) Someone attractive
c) Someone who likes to Party
d) Someone who always has fun
e) Someone very sentimental

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting
for!
#1 a=4 b=2 c=5 d=1 e=3
#2 a=2 b=1 c=4 d=5 e=3
#3 a=2 b=1 c=3 d=4 e=5
#4 a=4 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=1
#5 a=5 b=4 c=2 d=1 e=3
#6 a=1 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=4
#7 a=3 b=2 c=1 d=4 e=5
#8 a=1 b=3 c=2 d=4 e=5
#9 a=4 b=5 c=1 d=4 e=3
#10 a=5 b=2 c=1 d=3 e=4

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you ! are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(18-26 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(22-28 points) You are Arnold: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always! see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you will have many conflicts with life.

(29-34 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, then you will be stress free.

(35-42 points) You are Charlie Brown: you are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(43-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate Very strong family principles. Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes.


Now change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on!

eli8 : 2006-02-22#52
wyman 说:
keep on reading ~faint~ so long ,it spent me a lot of time.

it does take lots of time to read these jokes. but think about how I got 3 7s' and 1 8' in IELTS test ! you will have to spend lots of time reading for sure. there are no shortcuts for studying English. hee hee hee.

wyman : 2006-02-22#53
Sweat! thinking about my ielts scores are 4 6s' I have to move on studying english.
reading reading reading~

eli8 : 2006-02-22#54
subject: Japanese

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-03#55
经常有人过来读吗?没人来读我就不贴了,感觉象是只有演员,没有观众,只有演戏的,没有喝彩的,哈。

太阳雨 : 2006-03-03#56
看的真是辛苦阿,想必eli8 帖的更辛苦拉


要是这坛子里的字能大点多好阿,我都是帖到文档里把字放大了再看,有点麻烦哩

太阳雨 : 2006-03-03#57
今天银行又关门了,送花花吧,鼓励继续阿

eli8 : 2006-03-04#58
谢谢鼓励,那我就继续贴啦。

太阳雨 : 2006-03-04#59
嘻嘻
哈哈



JJ,我没看懂那个日本的贴子啊,那日本谚语到底是什么呢?

eli8 : 2006-03-05#60
太阳雨 说:
JJ,我没看懂那个日本的贴子啊,那日本谚语到底是什么呢?

那上边写着让你把脑袋往右歪过来看,你试试。

太阳雨 : 2006-03-05#61
:wdb4:
:wdb2:
:wdb25:
:wdb7:




HEHE
I GET IT

eli8 : 2006-03-05#62
真是好同志,学习的很认真,欢迎多提问!

freespirit : 2006-03-05#63
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.[/QUOTE]

This is super!! Good laugh, thanks!

freespirit : 2006-03-05#64
eli8 说:
Subject: : : : THE HUSBAND STORE : : :
: : : THE WIFE STORE : : :

.

Mmm, women always tend to ask for more than men do, don't we? I was "tempted" enough at the fourth and fifth floors, so at least I'd be able to walk home with a "husband':)

freespirit : 2006-03-05#65
eli8 说:
subject: To Be 6 Again

Oh, poor man, I actually found him cute doing that for his wife.

freespirit : 2006-03-05#66
eli8 说:
subject: Definition of ugly..........


An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

Oh my god, that was just so sarcastically funny!

freespirit : 2006-03-05#67
eli8 说:
subject: Cosmopolitan Desert Island


On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

.

I can't stop laughing at the Chinese and Irish; though the Chinese one has gone a bit too far. Thanks this is classic!

eli8 : 2006-03-05#68
freespirit 说:
Mmm, women always tend to ask for more than men do, don't we? I was "tempted" enough at the fourth and fifth floors, so at least I'd be able to walk home with a "husband':)

greed is part of human nature. no one can get over it. women can come back to the store for shopping again after they leave. lol. so still no problems for window shopping at the first time. lol.

freespirit : 2006-03-05#69
eli8 说:
subject: Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..."

LOL!! But it's bad to make fun of old people like that.

eli8 : 2006-03-05#70
freespirit 说:
LOL!! But it's bad to make fun of old people like that.

see, this is called western sense of humor. they don't think it is mean, they think this is cute and funny.

freespirit : 2006-03-05#71
eli8 说:
greed is part of human nature. no one can get over it. women can come back to the store for shopping again after they leave. lol. so still no problems for window shopping at the first time. lol.

Yes, you are so right, they can always go back to the store. But just in case some georgous men are out of stock on your second visit:)

eli8 : 2006-03-05#72
freespirit 说:
Yes, you are so right, they can always go back to the store. But just in case some georgous men are out of stock on your second visit:)

bad luck then. there can't only be one store shopping for men. lol. huge market there, and very strong needs too.

freespirit : 2006-03-05#73
hey, take it lightly. I was just joking in the first place.

太阳雨 : 2006-03-06#74
再一次给 eli8 添加声望之前,您必须对周围其他会员添加声望.

mmx1019 : 2006-03-09#75

英语♡公主 : 2006-03-10#76
FUNNY

eli8 : 2006-03-15#77
subject: Pool Kid

可以当听力材料。这小孩也真够天才的。

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#78
subject: Life as a guy


This one is extremly funny. highly recommended.........eli8

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#79
subject: Woman VS Man

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#80
subject: watermelon art

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#81
subject: Good Karma

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#82
subject: After the break-out of birdflu, what are we going to do with the eggs?

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-15#83
subject: when boss is out.



还是老外会玩吧?.............eli8

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-19#84
subject: Men strike back!!!!!!!!!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a
beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who know this is all bullsh*t anyway !

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-26#85
subject: A camel story



it is good for management people as well as employees........eli8

附件


eli8 : 2006-03-26#86
subject: Remember



it is for those Islanmic friends............eli8

附件


偏偏 : 2006-03-26#87
怎么现在开始都是附件拉???下次直接发到俺信箱算了。俺喜欢在那里看。嘿嘿嘿~~~~

eli8 : 2006-03-26#88
偏偏 说:
怎么现在开始都是附件拉???下次直接发到俺信箱算了。俺喜欢在那里看。嘿嘿嘿~~~~

最近偶比较懒,一直都没读 funny email 了,倒是觉得爱看一些 video, powerpoint 什么的。偶会尽快贴些新的东西上来让你读。

偏偏 : 2006-03-26#89
eli8 说:
最近偶比较懒,一直都没读 funny email 了,倒是觉得爱看一些 video, powerpoint 什么的。偶会尽快贴些新的东西上来让你读。
嘿,你都快变成出题专家了。那边经营的不错呀!

eli8 : 2006-03-26#90
偏偏 说:
嘿,你都快变成出题专家了。那边经营的不错呀!

谢谢谢谢,那你咋不过去捧场捏?

偏偏 : 2006-03-26#91
eli8 说:
谢谢谢谢,那你咋不过去捧场捏?
俺智慧低,做题目不行贝:wdb13:

太阳雨 : 2006-03-26#92
搬家过来啦

这里看起来更方便

eli8 : 2006-04-02#93
subject: This is cute.



The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

eli8 : 2006-04-02#94
subject: cussing


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

eli8 : 2006-04-02#95
subject: Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it .

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

eli8 : 2006-04-02#96
subject: Santa not ............. coming



A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.


He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."


The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go.Gotta get the presents to the children,you know."


She drops her panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, might as well stay. Can't get up the chimney now anyway!"

eli8 : 2006-04-02#97

eli8 : 2006-04-02#98

Por Una Cabeza : 2006-04-05#99
eli8 说:
subject: After the break-out of birdflu, what are we going to do with the eggs?


make "big" money with eggs

wyman : 2006-04-06#100
8错8错,继续学习英文

太阳雨 : 2006-04-06#101
UP

eli8 : 2006-04-09#102
subject: XBOX plane race

附件


eli8 : 2006-04-11#103
subject: Men are from Mars.


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

雾里看花 : 2006-07-08#104
I like it too. Thanks for your effort

eli8 : 2006-07-08#105
雾里看花 说:
I like it too. Thanks for your effort

You are welcome. I will try to post more here shortly.

xylanlan : 2007-01-01#106
谢谢分享,顶

拎壶冲 : 2007-01-04#107
建议也置顶.

gdgd : 2007-01-04#108
Bird! Who is this eli8

传说中的鸟人 : 2007-01-04#109
Bird! Who is this eli8
我知道她曾是家园的版主,咱们刚下山那会儿,在“单身一族”那儿打天下时,她是那儿的头,曾招待过咱们,挺好的一个人,后来就淡出退居二线了。

eli8 : 2007-01-07#110
我知道她曾是家园的版主,咱们刚下山那会儿,在“单身一族”那儿打天下时,她是那儿的头,曾招待过咱们,挺好的一个人,后来就淡出退居二线了。

哦?这不是情报局长的工作吗?被你抢啦?呵呵。谢谢你的介绍,当初是因为我没有太多时间照顾那个版面了,一直忙于生活中的杂事。

crystal_clear : 2007-01-07#111

卉樱果 : 2007-01-13#112
每天来看的,今天一定要回贴,赞~

eli8 : 2007-01-15#113
果JJ也来看啦,呵呵。不过,我已经好久没照顾我的帖子了。

卉樱果 : 2007-01-19#114
up

eli8 : 2007-03-24#115
Subject: This is funny!!


A woman goes in to Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, " Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel"?

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter. I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes". She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, " That's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb test line. It's a good all round combination and it's on sale for &pound;44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
dropping it on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

" Oh that sounds like a Visa card " he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says" That'll be &pound;58.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks " Didn't you tell me it was on sale for &pound;44. How did you get to &pound;58.50?"

He replies, " Yes madam, the rod and reel are &pound;44, but the Duck Caller is &pound;11 and the Fish Bait is &pound;3.50."

eli8 : 2007-03-24#116
Subject: Ways to turn down men


..WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)

eli8 : 2007-03-24#117
Number one Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful & there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down & at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.


Number 2 Idiot of 2006

early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane & home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.


Number 3 Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch & wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note & might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America & crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it &, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip & that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" & left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


Number 4 Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar & photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 & a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ But you still get a sign


Number 5 Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun & demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused & said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet & gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over & agreed that the man was in fact over 21 & she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police & gave the name & address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.



Idiot Number 6 of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign



Idiot Number 7 of 2006

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, & run. So he lifted the cinder block & heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)



IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." FromKingman , KS



IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell & ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,! "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly & nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in
Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer inWichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old & dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself & for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband & I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department & found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle & discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi

eli8 : 2007-03-24#118
Subject: Yukky!!!! but funny. lol



A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

eli8 : 2007-03-24#119
Subject: BIRTH CONTROL


There were three gals who were getting married And all met at the marriage counselor's office to Discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on Having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with Their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of Birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was , The pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific Date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later And the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what Method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, Well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used And she replied, The birth control pill but we were camping one weekend And I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going To use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what The pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it Has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, And since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, He stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, And when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him!!!

eli8 : 2007-03-24#120
Subject: Cute!



I dial ed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message a ft er the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


~~~~~


At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,

"Always try to ke ep the number of landings you ma ke

equal to the number of ta ke offs you ma ke ."


~~~~~



Aspire to inspire before you expire.


~~~~~


My wife and I had words,

but I didn't get to use mine.


~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


~~~~~


Bless ed are those who can give without remembering

and ta ke without forgetting.


~~~~~


The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around,

you're not going anywhere.


~~~~~


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think

of an answer for her first question.


~~~~~


I was always taught to respect my elders,

but it ke eps getting harder to find one.


~~~~~


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

eli8 : 2007-03-24#121
Subject: 2 blokes shopping


Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

呆呆虎 : 2007-03-24#122
英文的着实看不懂

eli8 : 2007-03-24#123
哪里不懂可以提出来,咱们探讨。如果是懒的读英文,那就啥也别说了。

枫国 : 2010-06-05#124
回复: 英文笑话

subject: What religion is YOUR bra?
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra cup sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? It is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!








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枫国 : 2010-06-05#125
回复: 英文笑话






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