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365 British and American Jokes
annieyu 2006-04-22 12:00

I have already determined to wait for long long time until I would get my me,dm and pl.So let us have fun every day.

annieyu 2006-04-22 12:10

The librarian went over to the small ,noisy boy."Please be Quiet!".She admonished."The other p[eople near you can not read".
"They can not read ?" the lad said inquisitively."Then what are they doing here?":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-04-23 14:08

Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night.What happened to you?


Husband:It was nothing.My wife was a bit cross,and threw my overcoat out of the window.


Neighbour: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?


Husband:I.......I happened to be inside the coat.:wdb24:

annieyu 2006-04-24 10:10

A neighbor boy knocked at the door.
"Can Timmy come out and play with me?"he asked.
"I'm sorry ,but Timmy is taking his nap,"Timmy'mother replied.
"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play"?He inquired hopefully.:wdb6:

叶子66600 2006-04-24 10:56

Good , I like it ! adding SW to you!

annieyu 2006-04-24 11:22

I am glad that you like it .thank you for you sw.

annieyu 2006-04-25 10:07

"Your Honor", the accused hit- and -run driver's lawyer pleaded," that man who was injured must have been careless.My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."
"If experience is the issue here,"the other attorney countered,"My client has been walking for over fifty years.":wdb9:

annieyu 2006-04-25 10:30

attorney(American)=solicitor(English)
a power of attorney (委任书)
a letter of attorney(委任状,授权书)


client state(附庸国)
We can memorize these following words together:
Plea---noun,The hospital sent out a plea for blood-donors.(医院向社会呼吁公民义务献血.)
a plea for mercy(forgiveness,help)(请求怜悯,宽恕,帮助)
Plead-----verb,The accused pleaded not guilty.(被告声称无罪)

pledge-----noun,verb.This year our goverment has pledged to reduce or abolish the tax of agriculture.

annieyu 2006-04-26 10:19

The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up.Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.
His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.
"That's easy,"he replied,"you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by.":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-04-27 12:15

A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted,"Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime.Why ,in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."
Furious,the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife.He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.
"which kind?"was the reply."Fresh or dried?":wdb5:

annieyu 2006-04-28 10:38

The butcher placed his last roast on the scale."That' ll be $3.95,",he told the customer.
"That one's too small."
The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator,paused a moment,then took it out again."This one,"he annouced,"will be $4.80,"
The customer smiled,"I will take both of them.":wdb9:

annieyu 2006-04-29 14:41

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture.Staring at the twisted pipes,broken glass,and tangled shapes,one of them said,"Let us get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place.":wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-02 12:41

"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you,Rosalie?"Mother asked the first-grader.
"His name is Jimmy",Rosalie answered.
"Jimmy who?" asked mother
"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown,"said Rosalie,"that's what the teacher calls him.":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-02 12:45

"It looks like a bad storm is coming up," said the hostess,"You' d better stay for dinner."
"Oh,thanks," said the guest absently,"but I don't think it will be that bad.:wdb8: "

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:07

A teacher asked a class to write an essay on " The Result of Laziness."
And What a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.:wdb19:

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:16

His name was Johnny,and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried."What is wrong?"She finally asked.Out of his trousers pocket,Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said,"Johnny has been a very naughty boy.Please have a serious talk with him."
"What did you do?"asked Mother.
"Nothing ,"sobbed Johnny,"Except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it."

"H'm,"murmured Mother,"What was the question?"
"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?"answered Johnny.:wdb13:

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:19

Father: Get up,son.When Lincoln was your age,do you know what he was doing?

Son:No,Dad,I don't .But I do know what he was doing when he was in your age.:wdb8:

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:24

Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said,"Now ,I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk."
The applicant responded,"I 'm your man,sir.Can I have my salary in advance?":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:31

Leaving a plush dinner club one night,a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.
Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly,"By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home,sir,just remember that you didn't pull it out here.":wdb6:

annieyu 2006-05-08 12:36

First mechanic: Which do you prefer,leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?
Second mechanic: I like fabrics.Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.:wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-09 17:40

  The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay telling what they would do if they had a million dollars.Every student except Willie began writing immediately.
  Willie sat idle,twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.
   "How is this,Willie?"asked the teacher."Is this your essay?All the other students have written two sheets or more while you haven't done anything!"
"well,"replied Willie,"that's what I'll do if I had a million!":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-11 17:07

 A mother asked her son who had just returned from a youth group's car-washing project,"what was the least amount anyone paid you?"
  He replied,"One man gave us just fifty cents"
  His mother said,"That's not very much."
   "I know ,"he explained,"but maybe it's because we hosed his car before the windows were rolled up.":wdb25: :wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-11 17:12

 A wife was telling her neighbour about her fishing trip with her husband,"I did everything wrong on the trip.I talked too loud,I made too much noise,I uesed the wrong bait,I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did.":wdb16:

annieyu 2006-05-11 17:17

"I suppose the baby is fond of you,"Said the visitor to the new father.
  "Fond of me?Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home and stays up all night to enjoy my company'"answered the proud father.:wdb6: :wdb24: :wdb8:

annieyu 2006-05-13 23:47

Greta Garbo was invited to a Holloywood dinner which was attended also by
Dr. AlbertEinstein .Having some vague idea as to Dr.Einstein's status.Greta turned to him during the dinner and remarked,"Doctor,I inderstand that you have a great theory .Won't you please explain it all to me?"
"My dear lady,"said Einstein,"I'm afraid there will not be time enoughduring the dinner to explain the theory of relativity,but perhaps I can tell you about the law of gravitation,which is really a prerequisite."
So Dr. Einstein went on to tell her all about the phenomenon of gravity and its consequence.Upon the conclusion of his discourse,Greta seemed very impressed and said to him,"well,for goodness' sake,Doctor,how long has this been going on?":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-13 23:53

Two fishermen sitting on a bridge,their lines in the water,made a bet as to who would catch the first fish.One of them got a bite on his line and got so excited that he fell off the bridge.
"oh,well," said the other,"if you're going to divw for them,the bet's off!":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-13 23:58

Seeing his first American football game,the Englishman watched one of the teams go into a huddle.
"What do you think of it?"asked his American friend.
"It's not a bad sport,"he observed,"but they have too many committee meetings.":wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-14 00:02

Doctor Smith phoned Mike,his mechanic,in middle of the night and said,"It's my engine again, Mike.I can't get it started.That car is one big headache!"
"Well,Doctor,take two aspirins and phone me again in the morning.":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-14 00:11

The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large,shaggy dog."Where are you taking him?" he was asked.
"I don't know yet,"the lad answered,"but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go,I'm going to take him there.":wdb13:

annieyu 2006-05-14 00:15

Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday,the small boy boy wanted to know,"Is he for me,or am I for him?":wdb7: :wdb7: :wdb26: :wdb5:

annieyu 2006-05-14 00:18

"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion?"
"Sure we do---but I do not tell her about it.":wdb17: :wdb25:

7-11 2006-05-14 01:53

GOOD!

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:28

confidential (adjective),保密的,机密的
confidentiality (noun)

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:36

A young mother put her two children to bed, then chanded in an oversized sweat shirt and an old pair of blue jeans and proceeded to wash her hairs.All during the shampoo she could hear the youngsters growing wilder and noisier.
She finished as quickly as she could,wrapped a large towel aroud her head,stormed into the children's room,and put them back to bed with a stern warning to stay there.
As she left she heard her two-year-old say to his brother in a trembling voice'"Who was that?":wdb13:

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:38

stern (adjective)严厉的,苛刻的
(noun)船尾

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:44

"With the high price of food,my shopping habits have changed,"commented the housewife ,"now I fill the shopping cart with money and put the food in my purse.":wdb26:

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:47

Woman at insurance counter at airport,"I used to buy flight insurance ,but it doen't seem to make any difference.":wdb21:

annieyu 2006-05-15 19:51

"I hope you don't think me too young for marriage with your daughter'" said the young man anxiously.

"That's all right,my boy," was the cheerful reply,"you'll age fast enough.":wdb20:

harvey66 2006-05-15 22:20

Great job!

annieyu 2006-05-15 22:53

Thanks for your encouragement

annieyu 2006-05-18 02:45

The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies."Why do you want to see me?" he asked.

"Because you are so handsome,"smiled one little girl.

He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring,"There is no brighter sales tool than truth.":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-18 02:48

A new mother came home from the hospital with her baby son still wearing his hospital identification tag.The mother's three-year-old son met his new brother, then asked,"Mama,when are you gonna take off his price tag?":wdb2:

annieyu 2006-05-18 03:03

He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.
"I don't want you to think." roared the great man,"I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them,neither adding nor leaving out any thing I may say."
Later i n the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:
"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "Y",though that's pure swank on his part.In answer to your letter of --look up the date.We can quote you---tell me,Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well.We can quote you $50 a ton for the goods.If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand,for I don't trust him.Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order,yours faithfully.":wdb24: :wdb4: :wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-18 03:09

swank (adjective)打扮漂亮的,爱出风头的
(noun)出风头,炫耀
(vi) 出风头,炫耀
buzzard (noun) 秃鹰类,贪婪的人

annieyu 2006-05-18 03:14

In her school essay on "Parents", a little girl wrote,"We get our parents at so late an age that it is impossible to change their habits.":wdb6: :wdb8: :wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-18 03:17

"Now, Jonny, be a good boy and say 'Ah-h-h' so the doctor can get his finger out of your mouth.":wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-19 23:43

"I'm glad to find you as you were."said the old friend."Your wealth hasn't changed you."
"Well," replied the candid millionaire," it has changed me in one thing.I'm now"eccentric"where I used to be impolite,and "delightfully witty" where I uesd to be rude.:wdb26: "

annieyu 2006-05-19 23:50

First surgeon: (leaving operating room):That was close!(真玄啊!)

Second surgeon: What do you mean?

First surgeon: An inch either way(无论向哪边超出一英寸) and I would have been out of my speciality. (我就越出我的专业了):wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-19 23:58

The new minister's family was presented with a pie by one of the congregation (教区)who was a rather poor cook.The pie was inedible,
so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.
The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady ,while at the same time being truthful.After much thought,he sent the following note:
"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful.I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house.":wdb7:

annieyu 2006-05-21 23:04

An office worker ,slicing a gaily decorated cake at his desk,said to his boss,"Hope you don't mind ,sir.Just a little celebration on the tenth anniversary of my last raise.":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-21 23:10

Louise,a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household,went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.
One morning,after a tryingf day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual,she said her evening prayer.As the aunt passed the door,she heard ,"... and please, make all the bad people good,and the good people a little easier to live with.":wdb26: :wdb20:

annieyu 2006-05-21 23:36

"Mother," asked Bobby,"is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"So I understand ,Bobby,but why do you ask?"
"Well,I've kept away six doctors this morning,but I am afraid one will have to come this afternoon.":wdb8:

annieyu 2006-05-21 23:39

Customer: This lobster's only got one claw.
Waiter: I guess he's been in a fight ,sir.
Customer:Well,bring me the winner.:wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-22 00:03

I suppose you have all tasted the famous roast Beijing duck.But do you know its origin?Well,here is the story.
Centries ago--- in what dynasty I do not remember,there klived a man(no woman was involved in the story,so it is not complicated)who devoted his whole life to pleasing people with sweet honeyed words.People nicknamed him "Sweet Mouth".Many fell victims to his flattery.Enchanted by his flowery compliments they were demoralized.The honest became dishonest,the virtuous became villainous,the pious became unholy,the incorruptible became corruptible.Throughout the years Sweet Mouth had killed thousands not with knife or gun,but by high skill of making people believe that they were perfect.

Having completed a successful career this flatterer died.On death bed he still wore a smile on the lips as he wanted to please the undertaker,who exclaimed" I have never seen such a lovely corpse!"

The spirit(or ghost) of Sweet Mouth drifted to the Court of the King of Hell to face judgement.The King examined his record.Being a fair,just and honest ruler who hated flattery,he became furious.He cried,"You have committed enormous crimes.You should die a thousand times and go through 18 hells."

"Have mercy on me,I beg you,Your majesty,Sweet Mouth pleaded,"Give me a chance to explain."

The king consented,saying,"I 'll give you only one chance.But you must speak the truth, all truth,nothing but truth."
(to be continued)

annieyu 2006-05-22 00:23

Sweet Mouth began."Your Majesty may not know how things are run in the earthly world.Most people like to hear nice words;they do not like to hear words which hurt their ears.So I just give them what they like and do not give them what they do not like.That's how I get along so well."
"Is everybody like that in your world?"the King asked.
"Well, there are exceptions.People like Your Majesty can never be flattered."
"Oh,well...Go on,go on,I am listening,"the King sat up.
"Your Majesty,"Sweet Mouth continued,"You are most kins,just and fair.YOu can see I am innocent.If people take my nice words for granted and lose their head,they asked for it."
The King thought for a while."He is an honest man,"he said to himself."I cannot punish a honest man.I might lose the throne.TO avoid criticism I must find a safe way --to combine leniency with punishment."So ,he said to Sweet Mouth,"The practice of my court is that anyone brought before me must receive some punishment,right or wrong.However,as you have frankly confessed to your misdeeds,I'll show you that I'm a kind -hearted king.You will be spared from cruel torture.Instead,you will be sent back to the earthly world to be reborn---not as a man but transformed into a duck,which is to grow from a duckling to a full-fledged duck, and then fed and stuffed,killed and rasted, to satisfy your long-cherished wish of sweetening the mouths of all those you like to please."
Such is the origin of the roast Bejing duck.When you have a roast duck dinner,do not forget that you are eating the flesh of a flatterer.

annieyu 2006-05-22 00:32

Mother: (horrified) Kissing a man you just met! You never saw me doing that!

Daughter: No,but I'll bet Grandma did.:wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:09

On a crowded bus:
"Madam,would you like me to get you a strap to hang on to ?"
"No,thank you,I have one."
"Then would you mind letting go of my necktie?"

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:13

Then there was the fellow who wanted to know if he could have a day off with pay.When asked why,he said,"I want to catch up on the time I missed for coffee breaks when I was on vacation."

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:19

The new secretary hurriedly finished a letter and gave it to nthe boss for his signature.The boss detected a minor typing error,but signed the letter anyway.Before she mailed it,the secretary also noticed her mistake,so she typed a revision and placed on the boss desk with the note,"Please resign."(resign 重签 resign辞职)

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:24

Little Toby was telling his mother about the day in school."Mother",he said,"today our teacher asked me whether I had any brothers or sisters and I told her I was the only child."
"And what did she say?" asked his mother.
"She said,"Thank goodness!"

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:39

The minister's theme was beneficent wisdom of God who know which of us grow in the sunlight and which of us need the shade.He took an example from the flower garden.
"You know you plant rose in the sunlight," he said,'nut if you want your fuchsias to grow they must be kept in the shade."
After church a woman came up to him,her face radiant."I am so grateful for your wonderful sermon,' she said,"it did me so much good."
A glow of pride warmed the minister,s heart, but it vanished a moment later."Yes,"continued the woman,"I never knew before just what was the matter with fuchsias.":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:45

fuchsia (noun)晚樱---一种植物
wrong lesson -------对牛弹琴
a glow of pride warms somebody's heart----一种自豪感从心中涌起

annieyu 2006-05-23 14:54

An author once praised another writer heartily to a third person.
"It is strange ,' replied the other,"that you speak so well of him,for he says you are a quack."
'Oh,"replied the author,'it is very likely that both of us may be mistaken."






quack----(noun)骗子
(adjective)骗人的
(verb)骗人,吹嘘

harvey66 2006-05-23 20:02

引用:

作者: annieyu
The new secretary hurriedly finished a letter and gave it to nthe boss for his signature.The boss detected a minor typing error,but signed the letter anyway.Before she mailed it,the secretary also noticed her mistake,so she typed a revision and placed on the boss desk with the note,"Please resign."(resign 重签 resign辞职)

I like this kind of jokes that can help me to remember new words.

annieyu 2006-05-24 12:02

Bill: Jones works seven hours a day and sleeps seven hours.
Will: Then why was he fired?
Bill: Because he did both during the same seven hours.:wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-24 12:08

"Above all",the doctor said,"you most eat more fruit,and particularly the skin of the fruit.The skin contains all the vitamins.What is your favorite
fruit?"
The patient looked gloomy.(沮丧的)"Coconuts,"he said.

annieyu 2006-05-24 12:13

Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands's faults.
"We've been married fifteen years ,"one woman said,"and every night after dinner my husband complains about the food."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the other."Does it bother you?"
"why should it bother me?"her friend replied."If he can't stand his own cooking?":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-25 23:18

Boy: I made a hundred in school today,Mom.


Mom: Good!What did you make it in?


Boy: Well,I made forty in reading,thirty in spelling,and thirty in arithmetic.:wdb4:

annieyu 2006-05-25 23:24

How old are you? When a census taker (人口普查员) asked a certain woman this,she said,"Well, now,let me figure it out.I was eighteen when I married and my husband was thirty.He is now sixty,or twice as old as he was then,so I am now thirty-six.":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-25 23:40

All of the adult members of the family had gone off in a flurry of best clothes and excitement to attend a wedding.Four-year-old Billy asked his seven-year-old sister Sue,"What's wedding?"

"You are too young to understand,"answered the sophisticated young lady,"but it is something between dancing school :wdb25: and funeral." :wdb13:

annieyu 2006-05-28 10:53

On the bus a man a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket."Sorry,"he said to the pickpocket,"you are too late. My wife did it before you.":wdb19:


His wife is a wonderful fortuneteller.:wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-28 10:58

Teacher:If there are any dumbbells in the room,please stand up.

(After a long pause,a student stood up)

Teacher: What!Do you consider yourself a dumbbell?

Student:Well,not exactly that, sir,but I hate to see you standing all alone.:wdb6:

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:02

To a man who asked if he was making a bore of himself by talking too much,Franklin Adams replied,"Well, sir,I would put it this way-you never seem to have an expressed thought."

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:06

A: Why aren't you married yet?

B: My girlfriend wouldn't marry me.

A: Why not?


B: Because I 'm not rich enough.


A: But your father owns a very big farm,and he hasn't many years to live. You should have told your girlfriend that.

B: I did,so she is my stepmother now.:wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:14

A staid-looking gentleman was upset at the dress of some young people on the street."Just look at that one,"he barked to a bystander,"is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a boy.he's my son.'
"Oh, forgive me.I didn't know you were his mother."
"I'm not ,I,m his father.":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:23

Mama Mouse was introducing her offspring to the ways of the world when they were confrronted by a cat.Mama immediately began barking like a dog.The cat took off.
Turning back to her young, Mama Mouse annouced,"That shows the importance of learning a cecond language!":wdb9:










the ways of the world----处事之道
take off---逃之妖妖

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:30

Mamma: What did you mean by taking that piece of cake?When you asked for it,didn't I say No?

Tom: You did;but last night I heard papa said that when a woman says No she means Yes.

annieyu 2006-05-28 11:36

Patient: I'm so frightened,this is my first operation.

Surgeon: I know just hoe you feel.This is my first operation,too.

annieyu 2006-05-28 14:14

Garage mechanic to car owner,"I could not repair your brake--so I made your horn louder.":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-05-28 22:55

I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son,who had poked a tire from one of his toy truck up his nose.The man was embarrassed,but I assured him this is something kids often do.I quickly removed the tire and they were on their way.A few minutes later,the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private.Mystified,I led him to an examining room."While we were on oue way home,"he began,"I was looking at that little tire and wondering,how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and..."It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.

annieyu 2006-05-28 23:09

As a high school football coach,I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports.A fellow coach,Bob,was talking about one such player,who called him at home one night.Whenhis wife informed the kid
that Bob wasn't home,he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.:Just calm down,and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home,"the coach's wife told him."What's your number?"The flustered kid replied,"Three."


frantic (adj.)狂乱的,疯狂的
fluster (Verb)激动;使慌张
Don't fluster me----I'm trying to concentrate.

get in a fluster(手忙脚乱)

annieyu 2006-05-30 19:32

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

Her friend said,"I know a great one in the city,but he is very expensive.Five hundred dollars for the first visit,and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and trying to save a little money,cheerily announced."Doc,I'm back."

Not fooled for a second,the doctor quickly examined her and said,"Very good,just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-05-30 19:35

Not fooled for a second(医生根本没上当)

annieyu 2006-05-31 13:55

"What shall I do?" a young man looking to get married asked friend."Every girl I bring home to meet my parents,my mother does't like"

"oh,that's easy,"his friend replied."All you have to do is to find someone who is just like your mother."

"I did that already,"he said,"and that one my father didn't like."

annieyu 2006-05-31 14:02

An old lady had finally had enough,and called the police."Officer,"she said when they arrived,"Please talk to the people next door.Every night they 've been pounding on the wall and yelling at me until four o'clock in the morning."

"I guess you can't get a wink of sleep,"said the officer.

"Oh,it isn't that," the woman explained."It's that I can't enjoy my piano playing ."

annieyu 2006-06-02 11:50

A man visited a graveyard saw a tombstone that read,"Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man""How about that!"he exclaimed."They've got three people buried in one grave."

annieyu 2006-06-02 11:54

"Has the laundry made a mistake?"asked Mr.Brown."This shirt is so tight I can hardly breathe."

"Yes,it's your shirt all right ,"replied his wife ,"but you've got your head through a buttonhole."

annieyu 2006-06-02 12:05

A plump old lady struggled up onto a bus without her husband making any attempt to help her."Eh,Henry",she said ,as she sank into a seat ,"you ain't as gallant as you were when I was a gal."

"No,luv",he replied,"and you ain't as buoyant as you were when I was a boy'.

annieyu 2006-06-02 12:10

Two rival authoresses met the other day.One had just had a new book published.

First: Darling,I think it's a masterpiece.Who wrote it for you?

Second: I'm so glad you like it.Who read it to you?

harvey66 2006-06-02 21:08

引用:

作者: annieyu
A plump old lady struggled up onto a bus without her husband making any attempt to help her."Eh,Henry",she said ,as she sank into a seat ,"you ain't as gallant as you were when I was a gal."

"No,luv",he replied,"and you ain't as buoyant as you were when I was a boy'.

Excellent ! I think I can remember those two words: galland and buoyant.

annieyu 2006-06-04 10:59

"Do you behave in church?"an interested relative asked Junior when he came to visit.

"I guess I do",said Junior,"I heard a lady behind me say she never saw a child behave so."

annieyu 2006-06-04 11:04

"In your advertisement you said that there was a nip in the air after sun-down."complained the tourist.

"Well,"replied the resort owner,"take a look at those mosquitoes."

annieyu 2006-06-04 11:10

A: What do you mean by telling everyone I'm an idiot?
B:I'm sorry.I did not know it was supposed to be a secret.

annieyu 2006-06-05 11:37

A teen-ager was watching TV when the phone rang."Hello,son",said the voice."Where is your mother?"
"She's out working in the garden."
"What ?"barked the father ."Your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be.why aren't you helping her?"
"I can't,"was the reply."Grandmother's using the other hoe."

annieyu 2006-06-07 12:51

"Why are you eating that banana with the skin on?"

"Why should I peel it?"I know what's inside."

annieyu 2006-06-07 12:58

A small girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother was in the kitchen.One woman guest cast an appraising look at the little girl and then
whispered to her friend,"Not very pretty".
"No,"answered the child,'but awfully smart.":wdb17: :wdb19:

annieyu 2006-06-07 13:03

Mrs.Biggs:Don't you dare tell me,Doctor,that I am overweight?

Doctor:Then,according to my height and weight chart,you are four inches too short.

annieyu 2006-06-07 13:09

Employer:Your first job will be to sweep out the room.

New employee:But I'm a college student.

Employer:Oh,I'm sorry.I didn't know that.Here,give me the broom and I'll show you .

annieyu 2006-06-07 13:21

A man bought a parrot and in trying to make him talk he kept repeating,"Hello,hello".

Finally,the parrot opened one sleepy eye and said,"What's the matter?Line busy?"

annieyu 2006-06-07 13:26

The deep-sea diver had scarcely reached the bottom when a message came from the surface which left him in dilemma.

"Come up quick,"he was told,"the ship was sinking!":wdb24:

annieyu 2006-06-07 14:30

Waiting in line at the parachute-jumping club,a new member nervously inquired of an old veteran ,"What made you decide to become a jumper?"

The older man replied,"A plane with three dead engines.":wdb4:

小猪爸爸 2006-06-07 14:35

有毅力!佩服!

annieyu 2006-06-07 17:51

I welcome you----Piggy's dad,thank for your encouragement.

annieyu 2006-06-07 17:52

I am so green to envy your IELTS score too.

annieyu 2006-06-10 20:19

One morning when it looked as if my husband was going to miss his commuter train,the family dashed arould madly laying out his clothes,assembling his briefcase,helping in every manner possible.Billy, age two,wanted to do his bit,but kept getting in the way.Finally,he discovered the one remaining job---and promptly sat down and devoured Daddy's breakfast.:wdb17: :wdb6: :wdb25:

harvey66 2006-06-10 21:13

What a lovely kid !

annieyu 2006-06-11 15:47

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other .:wdb19:

annieyu 2006-06-11 15:50

Marriage:It's an agreement in which a man lose his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.:wdb26:

annieyu 2006-06-11 15:55

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he has got the biggest piece.:wdb9:

annieyu 2006-06-11 15:58

Tears:The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.:wdb19:

annieyu 2006-06-11 16:01

Conference room: A place where everybody talks,nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.:wdb21:

annieyu 2006-06-14 14:47

The owner of a bakery was closing shop when a man came in and asked for two sweet rolls.The baker amazed that anyone would come out in such weather for just two sweet rolls."Are you married?"he asked.


"Of course,"replied the customer."Do you think my mother would send me out to an night like this?":wdb25:

annieyu 2006-06-14 14:50

"Call me a taxi,"said the fat man.

"Okay,"said the door man."You're a taxi,but you look more like a truck to me.":wdb6:

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:19

Onlooker: What a glorious scene! I wish I could take these colors home with me.

Artist: You will.You're sitting on my paint brushes!:wdb21:

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:23

"My dear,didn't you tell me that I was your goddess before we married?"

"Oh,Anna,now you should see I'm an atheist after we married.":wdb5:

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:36

An exasperated salesman parked his car in a no-parking zone,and left this note for the policeman,who he felt sure would spot it,"I've circled this block twenty times.I have an appointment and must keep it or I will lose my job.Forgive us for trespasses!"

Upon returning ,he found this note,"I've circled this block for twenty years.If I do not give you a ticket ,I'll lose my job.Lead us not temptation."

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:38

biblical---人人有本难念的经

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:43

At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess.At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked,"What a small appetite you have tonight,MR.Jones."

"To sit next to you,"he replied gallantly,"would cause any man to lose his appetite.":wdb8:

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:47

Gallant effort 献殷勤

annieyu 2006-06-16 15:50

Billy: Mother,Bobby broke a window.

Mother:How did he do it?

Billy:I threw a rock at him and he ducked.:wdb17:
躲开了

thom2020 2006-06-17 10:37

thanks for your jokes............they are funny!!!!!!

annieyu 2006-06-17 20:21

To thom2020:nice to meet here.

annieyu 2006-06-23 08:02

Teacher: "When was Rome built?"
Tom:"At night."
Teacher:"Who told you that?"
Tom:"You did.you said Roman wasn't built in a day.":wdb4:

annieyu 2006-06-23 08:06

Customer:"I would like a book ,please"
Bookseller:"Something light"
Customer:"That doesn't matter.I have a bike with me.":wdb17:

harvey66 2006-06-23 08:44

Sometimes I cant understand English joks.
What does "something light" mean ?

annieyu 2006-06-23 11:12

引用:

作者: harvey66
Sometimes I cant understand English joks.
What does "something light" mean ?

light in this sentence the bookseller meaned something is easier to read not serious,just like poems,novels .But the customer misunderstood it as the weight is heavy or light so he replied I could carry it with my bike.

harvey66 2006-06-23 13:57

thank you.

annieyu 2006-06-27 22:08

Father (to daughter's boyfriend),"She will be right down.Care for a game of chess?"



Lol,What a lovely father.What a pity both of us can not say that .I do hope have a daughter.:wdb19:

annieyu 2006-06-27 22:11

"Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?"


"I did.It was ten thirty.":wdb15:

annieyu 2006-06-27 22:19

New patient(to nurse): I don't need to undress--I just want to see the doctor for him to look at my sore toe.

Nurse:Our rule is that everyone undresses.

Patient:Dumb rule,making me undress to look at my toe.

Voice from the next room:That's nothing,I came in to fix telephone.


Haha,Harvey,is it your hospital?:wdb24: :wdb13:

annieyu 2006-06-27 22:25

Photographer:"Look pleasant,please.As soon as I snap this picture,you can resume your natual expression."

harvey66 2006-06-28 14:31

引用:

作者: annieyu
New patient(to nurse): I don't need to undress--I just want to see the doctor for him to look at my sore toe.

Nurse:Our rule is that everyone undresses.

Patient:Dumb rule,making me undress to look at my toe.

Voice from the next room:That's nothing,I came in to fix telephone.


Haha,Harvey,is it your hospital?:wdb24: :wdb13:


We only do that to some VIP.lol

Could I get some excuse to make people undress to look at their eyes ?( by the way, I am an ophthalmologist.)

annieyu 2006-06-28 21:44

引用:

作者: harvey66
We only do that to some VIP.lol

Could I get some excuse to make people undress to look at their eyes ?( by the way, I am an ophthalmologist.)


This is another joke maybe this is not a hospital but an art center and You are not an ophthalmologist but a Liu Haishu.:wdb17:

harvey66 2006-06-29 12:29

引用:

作者: annieyu
This is another joke maybe this is not a hospital but an art center and You are not an ophthalmologist but a Liu Haishu.:wdb17:

I know you are a native southern lady now, because you said Liu Haishu other than Liu Haisu.

annieyu 2006-06-29 20:59

引用:

作者: harvey66
I know you are a native southern lady now, because you said Liu Haishu other than Liu Haisu.

You got the point,I always made such kind of mistakes but actually I was born in Baotou city,Inner MOngolia autonomous region.My parents lived in north-east China before they moved to Baotou.Do you know that place?

harvey66 2006-06-29 22:05

引用:

作者: annieyu
You got the point,I always made such kind of mistakes but actually I was born in Baotou city,Inner MOngolia autonomous region.My parents lived in north-east China before they moved to Baotou.Do you know that place?

I know that city. My wife even had an idea to travel to Inner Mongolia autonomous region. I also think the grassland is attractive.
By the way, can you speak Mongolian ? Can you sing the popular song "Ji xiang san bao " in Mongolian ?

annieyu 2006-06-30 11:21

引用:

作者: harvey66
I know that city. My wife even had an idea to travel to Inner Mongolia autonomous region. I also think the grassland is attractive.
By the way, can you speak Mongolian ? Can you sing the popular song "Ji xiang san bao " in Mongolian ?

ha ha,this a popular misunderstanding just like the foreigner think all of chinese can play Taiji or Gongfu,I lived in city as the same as Suzhou .Even I did not see any grassland except on TV screen.I also can not say a words of Mongolian.Most of our classmates's parents come from north-east China .We share the same accent.So that is the reason my speaking score is so low due to my terrible accent.

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:02

My neighbor is ,like most fishmen,an incurable optimist.I asked him one morning how the fishing was going."Better ,"he replied ,"last week I went out for four hours and didn't catch a thing.Yesterday I had the same result in only three hours.:wdb17: :wdb25:

Harvey 66,facing the fishman do you fell ashamed of yourself?Here is a real incurable optimist.

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:12

"If there is anything wrong with me,"the man told his doctor,"don't frighten me by giving it a scientific name.Just tell me what's wrong in plain English."

"Well,to be frank,"said the doctor,"You are just plain lazy".

"Thanks ,"sighed the patient with relief."Now,give me a scientific name for it so that I can go home and tell my wife.'':wdb15:


So Harvey,this is what your doctors usually do?:wdb24:


This also reminds me as a wife I need some common sense of all kinds of diseases in case I also fall into this kind of pitfalls.

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:15

Mrs: They look like a happily married couple,dear.

Mr: Yes,dear,but you can't go by looks.They probably say the same thing about us.

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:18

Patricia: There has never been a breath of scandal about her.

Ruth:Then,I'm sure she hasn't any friends...

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:20

Auntie: If you are good,I'll give you a bright new penny.


Tommy:A dity old dollar will do.:wdb6: :wdb4:

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:25

He: There are two periods in man's life when he never understands a woman.

She:Indeed,and when are they?

He: before and after marriage.:wdb5:

annieyu 2006-06-30 13:27

about the last joke what is your opinion about the woman in the angle of a husband?

annieyu 2006-06-30 14:08

A college eNGLISH PROFESSOR WROTE THE WORDS "woman without a her man is a savage"on the blackboard ,and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

He foind the men looked at it one way.and the girls another.

The males wrote."woman,without her man, is a savage!":wdb8:


Te females wrote,"Woman,without her,man is a savage!":wdb9:



Then what is your opinion,and how will you punctuate it?Harvey?

harvey66 2006-06-30 14:31

引用:

作者: annieyu
ha ha,this a popular misunderstanding just like the foreigner think all of chinese can play Taiji or Gongfu,I lived in city as the same as Suzhou .Even I did not see any grassland except on TV screen.I also can not say a words of Mongolian.Most of our classmates's parents come from north-east China .We share the same accent.So that is the reason my speaking score is so low due to my terrible accent.

Yes, like what did you say: stereotype thrives where there is ignorance. I am an idiot:wdb25:.

harvey66 2006-06-30 14:39

引用:

作者: annieyu
My neighbor is ,like most fishmen,an incurable optimist.I asked him one morning how the fishing was going."Better ,"he replied ,"last week I went out for four hours and didn't catch a thing.Yesterday I had the same result in only three hours.:wdb17: :wdb25:

Harvey 66,facing the fishman do you fell ashamed of yourself?Here is a real incurable optimist.

I am sorry I feel his patience was worse than the day before.
The damn pessimist comes back again !

annieyu 2006-06-30 14:46

引用:

作者: harvey66
Yes, like what did you say: stereotype thrives where there is ignorance. I am an idiot:wdb25:.


Oh,Please forgive me ,in your tune ,it seems you are angry I have not intention to offend you and I just tell it is a normal misunderstanding.Just like when I met a Suzhouniese I will think he like eat sweet food but person like you will not .Am I right?Do not be angry any more ,please?Do you feel I am:wdb8: ing?

harvey66 2006-06-30 14:47

引用:

作者: annieyu


So Harvey,this is what your doctors usually do?:wdb24:


This also reminds me as a wife I need some common sense of all kinds of diseases in case I also fall into this kind of pitfalls.

yes, the patients sometimes are ignorance, so doctors can play trick with them. and the wives sometimes are ignorance, so husbands can fool them.:wdb15::wdb8:

So, be more careful about your husband's behavior.:wdb6:

robot 2006-06-30 17:41

引用:

作者: annieyu
Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night.What happened to you?


Husband:It was nothing.My wife was a bit cross,and threw my overcoat out of the window.


Neighbour: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?


Husband:I.......I happened to be inside the coat.:wdb24:

haha, funny.

in addition,annie, you are great.

robot 2006-06-30 17:43

i have learned some of your posts this afternoon.

annieyu 2006-06-30 21:11

引用:

作者: harvey66
yes, the patients sometimes are ignorance, so doctors can play trick with them. and the wives sometimes are ignorance, so husbands can fool them.:wdb15::wdb8:

So, be more careful about your husband's behavior.:wdb6:

LOL,it seems like you ,the doctor is playing trick between my husband and me.Ha......:wdb13: :wdb8:

annieyu 2006-06-30 21:16

引用:

作者: robot
haha, funny.

in addition,annie, you are great.

Robot,my amour-propre is satisfied.Thanks a million for your encouragement.

harvey66 2006-07-01 13:29

引用:

作者: annieyu
about the last joke what is your opinion about the woman in the angle of a husband?

Maybe he didnt know women before marriage, but I think a marriage is good opportunity to learn them.
And I think it is the same to a woman.Right?

harvey66 2006-07-01 13:45

引用:

作者: annieyu
A college eNGLISH PROFESSOR WROTE THE WORDS "woman without a her man is a savage"on the blackboard ,and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

He foind the men looked at it one way.and the girls another.

The males wrote."woman,without her man, is a savage!":wdb8:


Te females wrote,"Woman,without her,man is a savage!":wdb9:



Then what is your opinion,and how will you punctuate it?Harvey?

Annie, sometimes I was not ashamed for my pessimism, but I was for my lack of language skill. Would you help me to get some inspiration to work out another way to punctuate it ? I am at the end of my wit.It seems only the "woman" and the "man" can be subjects. but both of them have been used.
I think in all kinds of relationship, equality is the foremost. Marriage is not an exceptation. Neither can be a savage.

harvey66 2006-07-01 13:51

引用:

作者: annieyu
LOL,it seems like you ,the doctor is playing trick between my husband and me.Ha......:wdb13: :wdb8:

It seems you have looked through the doctor's trick.:wdb1:

annieyu 2006-07-01 19:54

引用:

作者: harvey66
Maybe he didnt know women before marriage, but I think a marriage is good opportunity to learn them.
And I think it is the same to a woman.Right?

Some people said the wives are good teachers for their husbands,but unfortunately some husbands escaped away from their teachers when they graduated and approached to the younger ladies.So I think maybe wives should change their teaching method.And now it becomes a trend the young girls prefer the married men for they need not another training course.So in my opinion to this questio is marriage is a school,wives and husbands should keep learning all the time.Teaching is learning too.(教学相长):wdb9:

harvey66 2006-07-01 21:04

引用:

作者: annieyu
Teaching is learning too.(教学相长):wdb9:

a very good sentence : teaching is learning. thank you.

annieyu 2006-07-01 23:58

There was a lad who had the reputation of not being very bright.People had fun with him by placing a dime and a nickle on the open palm of his hand,and telling himto take his pick of the two.In each case the boy would take the nickle and the crowd would laugh.

A kind-hearted woman asked him one day if he didn't know the difference between a dime and a nickle---that a dime ,though smaller,was worth more.

"Sure,I know it ",he replied,"but they wouldn't try me out on it anymore if I took the dime.":wdb17:


Lol,sometimes human make the same mistakes like this ,they think other people are more stupid than themselves but actually who knows who is real fool.So I should keep in mind this joke and this lesson.

annieyu 2006-07-02 00:07

Marriage counselor to advice-seeker,"Keep your eyes wide before marriage,half open afterward."



We should keep our eyes close to our partner's weakness,well keep our eyes open to their strength afterward marriage and vice versa.

annieyu 2006-07-02 00:13

A mother was talking to her little boy."Now,Billy,you shouldn't be selfish with your toys.I 've told you to let your younger brother play with them half the time."

"That's what I've been doing,"said Billy."I take the sled going downhill,and he takes it going up.":wdb20:


What a clever boy ,You even can not say he is wrong.

annieyu 2006-07-02 00:17

Johnny came home from school and told his mother,"I wish you'd let me take my bath in the morning instead of at night."

"Why?"asked his mother.

"Because every day in health class the teacher asks us if we had a bath today.I haven't been able to say'yes' this year.".:wdb25:

annieyu 2006-07-02 00:29

A woman was telling about the friendship between he son Christopher and Katie,a neighbor's daughter .The two of five-year-olds were inseperable all summer,climbing trees,riding bikes,,swimming,and having great fun inthe sun.Then Semptember arrived,and they excitedly awaited their first day in kindergarten.On the big day,Katie put on a pretty dress with lace trim.When she rang his doorbell,Christopher rushed to open the door,took one look at Katie and ran to his room drying."What's the matter,Christopher?"asked his mother."It's Katie,"he sobbed,"she is a girl!"

harvey66 2006-07-02 02:22

引用:

作者: annieyu
A woman was telling about the friendship between he son Christopher and Katie,a neighbor's daughter .The two of five-year-olds were inseperable all summer,climbing trees,riding bikes,,swimming,and having great fun inthe sun.Then Semptember arrived,and they excitedly awaited their first day in kindergarten.On the big day,Katie put on a pretty dress with lace trim.When she rang his doorbell,Christopher rushed to open the door,took one look at Katie and ran to his room drying."What's the matter,Christopher?"asked his mother."It's Katie,"he sobbed,"she is a girl!"

innocent childhood.

annieyu 2006-07-04 00:06

I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when I heard sobbing coming from Eric's room.Rushing to his side,I found him crying hysterically.He had swallowed a five-cent coin and was sure he was going to die.Desperate to calm him,my husband produced an other coin from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.The boy was delighted.He snatched the coin from his father 's hand ,swallowed it and demanded cheerfully "Do it again,Dad!"

annieyu 2006-07-04 00:14

The obituary editor of a Boston newspaper was not one who would admit his mistakes easily.One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber who said his name had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" was the calm reply."Where are you calling from?":wdb17:

annieyu 2006-07-04 00:21

"Good news,dear."called the husband as he came into the house."I picked up two tickets for the thearter on the way home from work."

"Oh,that's wonderful,"said the wife ,"I'll start dressing right away."

"That's a good idea,"he said ."The tickets are for tomorrow night.":wdb15:

harvey66 2006-07-04 01:35

引用:

作者: annieyu
I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when I heard sobbing coming from Eric's room.Rushing to his side,I found him crying hysterically.He had swallowed a five-cent coin and was sure he was going to die.Desperate to calm him,my husband produced an other coin from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.The boy was delighted.He snatched the coin from his father 's hand ,swallowed it and demanded cheerfully "Do it again,Dad!"

This is a joke, but let me think of the way we should take in children's education.
My son told me a story today: Some kids wanted to watch a movie in which there is their favorite star. But their dad didnt let them do because there is a little bit sexual and violent contents.they felt unhappy. The next morning the dad made pies for their breakfast which are his kids' favorite food.He told his children that some a new ingredient are added. The children were cheered and asked what it is .Their dad said it is a fly.the children were surprised. The day tell that except the little bit fly the pies are wonderful. the kids still didnt want to eat.Then the wise father said although the sexual and violent content is only a little bit, the movie was not suitable for you.
The children understood and never asked for it.

My hinted that I should take a better way to educate him.( I punished him the day before)

harvey66 2006-07-04 01:51

A joke I read right now:

A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.

annieyu 2006-07-04 17:03

引用:

作者: harvey66
This is a joke, but let me think of the way we should take in children's education.
My son told me a story today: Some kids wanted to watch a movie in which there is their favorite star. But their dad didnt let them do because there is a little bit sexual and violent contents.they felt unhappy. The next morning the dad made pies for their breakfast which are his kids' favorite food.He told his children that some a new ingredient are added. The children were cheered and asked what it is .Their dad said it is a fly.the children were surprised. The day tell that except the little bit fly the pies are wonderful. the kids still didnt want to eat.Then the wise father said although the sexual and violent content is only a little bit, the movie was not suitable for you.
The children understood and never asked for it.

My hinted that I should take a better way to educate him.( I punished him the day before)

This one I like because it gives me some hints also ,yes ,in order to get the terminal we have a lots of choices but usually we choose the simple and stupid one ,so we also should check out ourselves too.By the way ,thanks for your tips too,Harvey.

harvey66 2006-07-12 00:07

Police Jokes

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

harvey66 2006-07-14 01:47

Signs Jokes

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

harvey66 2006-07-14 01:50

Annie, I dont know what does "flying of the handle" mean in the above joke, could you help me ?

annieyu 2006-07-14 09:16

引用:

作者: harvey66
Annie, I dont know what does "flying of the handle" mean in the above joke, could you help me ?

I am not sure I just guess handle has another meaning (把柄),so flying of the handle means 中伤和诽谤乱飞或流传

annieyu 2006-07-14 09:27

It sounds like describing the office politics.拍马屁,打小报告,墙倒众人推,推卸责任,背后伤人,轻率下结论,将一切归于运气?are all of this translations right?

harvey66 2006-07-14 16:49

引用:

作者: annieyu
I am not sure I just guess handle has another meaning (把柄),so flying of the handle means 中伤和诽谤乱飞或流传


fly off the handle (informal)

to react in a very angry way to something someone says or does. He really flew off the handle when I suggested selling the house.


see:http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/...off+the+handle

harvey66 2006-07-14 16:58

jump to conclusions
to guess the facts about a situation without having enough information. I might be jumping to conclusions but I've seen them together twice in town.

The investigation isn't finished, so let's not jump to conclusions about what caused the plane to crash

harvey66 2006-07-14 16:59


harvey66 2006-07-14 17:03

flog a dead horse (British, American & Australian, American)
to waste time trying to do something that will not succeed. You're flogging a dead horse trying to persuade Simon to come to Spain with us - he hates going abroad. (usually in continuous tenses) Do you think it's worth sending my manuscript to other publishers or I am just beating a dead horse?

harvey66 2006-07-14 17:55

Marriage Jokes

Two men, both married, were discussing their lives. Suddenly one says," You know, I think I would like to die before my wife"
" Now why is that"? Asked the other.
" Because if she's there when I arrive, she'll be telling a lot of things about me. And I want to clear my account before that"!

annieyu 2006-07-15 00:39

引用:

作者: harvey66
fly off the handle (informal)

to react in a very angry way to something someone says or does. He really flew off the handle when I suggested selling the house.


see:http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/...off+the+handle

Oh,in that case the handle also means 柄,maybe he is so angry that he throw out the handle to hit someone .I guess maybe it derived from this way.Then I remember this phrase completely.Thanks a lot for your information.

annieyu 2006-07-15 01:14

引用:

作者: harvey66
jump to conclusions
to guess the facts about a situation without having enough information. I might be jumping to conclusions but I've seen them together twice in town.

The investigation isn't finished, so let's not jump to conclusions about what caused the plane to crash

草率下结论
It is vivid too,jump to conclusion ,of course ,without investigation carefully.:wdb17: i think that is the charm of language for we can combine it with so many form and everyone has his own style.

harvey66 2006-07-16 09:29

The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?” Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. “Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time,” said David. Mr. Harris nodded, “You certainly have a fine weapon.”

harvey66 2006-07-20 14:31

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with words "Defeat" "Defense" "Deduct" and "Detail". Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focoused on him while his classmates awaited him reply. Smiling, he proudly said, "defeat of deduct went over denfense before detail. "

harvey66 2006-07-20 14:33

I dont understand the last sentence, what is it supposed to mean ?

annieyu 2006-07-20 20:38

引用:

作者: harvey66
A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with words "Defeat" "Defense" "Deduct" and "Detail". Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focoused on him while his classmates awaited him reply. Smiling, he proudly said, "defeat of deduct went over denfense before detail. "

I am not sure about the last sentence too but I try ,in this joke ,we know the student,Peter,is a slow learner,so he made this sentence endowing two meanings ,one is 进攻前为减少失败可能要仔细检查对手防御,另一个意思为我并不非真的学得慢,是在观察你们的水平而已.潜台词是你们不过如此.Do you agree with me?By the way ,I have to pause posting my topic until September because I have to finish my written assignment during this two months.

harvey66 2006-07-22 00:53

What They Said . . . And What We Did

According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.

harvey66 2006-07-22 01:19

"I see you are losing your hair."
"Nonsense, I know exactly where it is-down the bathroom sink."

harvey66 2006-07-22 20:12

Q: Why are anteaters so healthy ?
A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies.

harvey66 2006-07-23 09:11

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

harvey66 2006-07-23 23:48

" The econy is weird." Remarked one worker to another, " My bank failed before the toaster did."

annieyu 2006-07-24 01:01

引用:

作者: harvey66
" The econy is weird." Remarked one worker to another, " My bank failed before the toaster did."


I could not understand this joke.

Harry 2006-07-24 07:16

TOM'S EXCUSE

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School--Go Slow".

汤姆的借口

老师:汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到?
汤姆:我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着:"学校----慢行。"

harvey66 2006-07-24 13:58

引用:

作者: annieyu
I could not understand this joke.

Sorry, it should be economy.
And I am not sure about it either.I can only guess that it means the economy changing too fast.

annieyu 2006-07-25 02:14

引用:

作者: Harry
TOM'S EXCUSE

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School--Go Slow".

汤姆的借口

老师:汤姆,您为什么每天上学迟到?
汤姆:我每次路过拐角,一个路标上面写着:"学校----慢行。"

Thanks for your posters and we welcome you and wish you a good time here.

harvey66 2006-07-25 21:55

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said.
“You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.” “Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”

harvey66 2006-07-26 14:49

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

harvey66 2006-07-26 15:01

be on ones' toes , best bet , come up with , tick off

many useful phrases above.

annieyu 2006-07-27 02:37

引用:

作者: harvey66
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

I have leant a lot from it it would have been more useful if I had married with a husband whose mother tongue is English.By the way ,thanks a lot.:wdb6: :wdb13:

harvey66 2006-07-27 21:25

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

annieyu 2006-07-28 00:47

引用:

作者: harvey66
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

What a canny shopkeeper.

harvey66 2006-07-28 14:56

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

harvey66 2006-07-31 00:13

Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.
Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s been

harvey66 2006-07-31 00:24

In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, “Where is the murdered?”
A threatening voice behind her replied, “Right in back of you, if you don’t sit down!”

annieyu 2006-07-31 08:16

引用:

作者: harvey66
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, “Where is the murdered?”
A threatening voice behind her replied, “Right in back of you, if you don’t sit down!”

Fortunately,I read this piece of story in the morning or it really could have made me gooseflesh.:wdb13:

harvey66 2006-07-31 23:54

Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.

harvey66 2006-07-31 23:57

a useful phrase: leaf through

harvey66 2006-08-07 20:18

“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, football, and baseball.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:50

First Flight


Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:51

I'll See to the Rest


A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:52

Chaude and Cold


A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:52

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea


Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:52

A Bad Impression


Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:53

Sleeping Pills


Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:53

Imitate Birds


A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:54

How Did You Ever Get Here


One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:54

A Smugglar


The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:54

Early Shopper


It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:54

Wings


The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:55

Three Whistles


I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:55

Good Points and Bad Points


"This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:55

Midway Tactics


Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:55

Large Uniforms


During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:56

Quick Reaction


My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:56

Perfect Match


A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:57

Starstruck


I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue. "Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.

"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:58

Keep the Change


One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:58

Imitation


A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:59

Bedtime Prayers


Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:59

A Baby Sister


Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?

Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 22:59

A Problem in Arithmetic


Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.

"Six for five cents."

"But I don't want six apples."

"How many apples do you want?"

"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."

"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.

"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."

Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:00

That's Why


Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:01

Millionaire


CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."

Assistant: "What were you before?"

CEO: "a multimillionaire."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:01

A Trip to Disney


On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:02

Twin Lobsters


Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."

"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know how much you like lobster."

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:02

A Fine Match


One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:02

I Don't Know Her


A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:03

Class and Ass


Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:03

Plagiarism


A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:03

Flunking Math


My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:04

Part-time Job


When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"

"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

flyingtian 2006-08-07 23:04

Prepare Yourself


A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

harvey66 2006-08-08 20:20

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

harvey66 2006-08-11 07:17

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage is love; after marriage is self-defense.

harvey66 2006-08-13 07:25

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
“If they don’t behave, out they go!”

harvey66 2006-08-13 23:54

Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

harvey66 2006-08-14 23:07

On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You’ve heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?
I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can’t they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.
I’m finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: “Thanks for helping me separate these two carts.”

harvey66 2006-08-18 11:44

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

annieyu 2006-08-18 23:23

There is the story of a scholar who found himself sharing a seat in a bus with a farmer,and proposed an exchange of riddles to help pass the time.

"When I miss a riddle,"suggested the scholar ,"I 'll pay you a dollar,but since obviously, I've had more opportunity than you to acquire knowledge when you miss a riddle you need pay me only fifty cents."

The farmer nodded agreement."I have my first riddle ready for you right now,"he said,"What is it that weight 600 pounds on the ground and only 15 pounds when it flies?"

"I don't know ,"confessed the scholar,"So here's my dollar."

"I don't know either."admitted the farmer,and handed back fifty cents.

annieyu 2006-08-18 23:32

Smart son:Dad,I just siphoned a couple of gallons of gas out of your car for my old bus.It's okay,isn't it?

Smart father:Sure,it's okay,son.I bought that gas with your allowance for next week.So run along and have a good time.

annieyu 2006-08-18 23:43

The Sunday School teacher asked one little girl if she knew the story of Adam and Eve."First God created Adam,"she said,"and then He looked at him and said,"I think I can do better."So he created girls.

harvey66 2006-08-21 20:39

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.
Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.

harvey66 2006-08-22 19:47

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple ? it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

annieyu 2006-08-23 12:05

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 951234)
One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple ? it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

what a smart CEO.

harvey66 2006-08-23 21:52

“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”
The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”

harvey66 2006-09-02 20:06

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

annieyu 2006-09-02 20:27

What a funny joke.I really enjoy it but I am not certain about the meaning of this sentence---Then all hell broke loose,who can explain it?

harvey66 2006-09-02 20:33

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 988283)
What a funny joke.I really enjoy it but I am not certain about the meaning of this sentence---Then all hell broke loose,who can explain it?

Sorry, I dont know either. I wonder if someone who are already in Canada can explan it for us ?

harvey66 2006-09-02 21:15

“Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”
“That is wonderful, son. I’m proud of you.”
“He said I had a criminal mind.”

harvey66 2006-09-02 21:25

A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.

harvey66 2006-09-04 13:24

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".

harvey66 2006-09-04 13:28

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

harvey66 2006-09-04 19:35

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.”

annieyu 2006-09-04 20:13

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 993928)
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.”

The Visa officer said sternly to the applicant:"If you think you can get your ME within one year ,you have to see psychiatrist."

harvey66 2006-09-04 20:43

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 994017)
The Visa officer said sternly to the applicant:"If you think you can get your ME within one year ,you have to see psychiatrist."

What a smart lady.

harvey66 2006-09-04 20:44

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 994017)
The Visa officer said sternly to the applicant:"If you think you can get your ME within one year ,you have to see psychiatrist."

I have been waiting for one and half year.

annieyu 2006-09-04 22:13

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 994124)
I have been waiting for one and half year.

Hope is just ahead .Autumn is the season not only for Harvest but for Harvey as well.

harvey66 2006-09-04 22:44

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 994385)
Hope is just ahead .Autumn is the season not only for Harvest but for Harvey as well.

Thank you soooooooooooo much, my smart lady !:wdb17:

harvey66 2006-09-05 09:20

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

harvey66 2006-09-05 09:29

A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.

harvey66 2006-09-05 09:30

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 995574)
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.

Really?

harvey66 2006-09-06 23:22

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

harvey66 2006-09-07 21:14

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

annieyu 2006-09-07 21:28

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 1003738)
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Thank you so much for your wonderful jokes.BTW,I almost laugh to tears.:wdb17: :wdb6: :wdb25: This is a good way to keep our english better and pass time too.

harvey66 2006-09-09 07:24

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

harvey66 2006-09-11 20:11

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

annieyu 2006-09-11 20:23

It is so funny,LOL......

harvey66 2006-09-13 19:30

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ― you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ― he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

harvey66 2006-09-14 19:32

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

harvey66 2006-09-15 22:39

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

harvey66 2006-09-16 22:19

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

annieyu 2006-09-16 23:03

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 1030166)
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

I am not certain about this sentence which I have underlined.Would you mind explaining it for me?

harvey66 2006-09-16 23:40

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 1030214)
I am not certain about this sentence which I have underlined.Would you mind explaining it for me?

I am so sorry that I dont know either.
and sorry for my poor english too.

harvey66 2006-09-17 21:08

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

harvey66 2006-09-18 19:20

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

harvey66 2006-09-19 13:11

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said, “We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. “Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

harvey66 2006-09-20 13:06

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

harvey66 2006-09-21 20:44

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

harvey66 2006-09-24 21:28

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."

annieyu 2006-09-25 16:17

Lol,how sarcastic it is.Well done ,thanks for your great job,Harvey.

harvey66 2006-09-25 22:59

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

annieyu 2006-09-26 14:58

We can judge a book by it's cover.Even as a prison,he if he wants also can do something for his dad.I respect for what he did for his father.

annieyu 2006-09-26 15:02

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 1053279)
An old man lived alone in Idaho. (爱达华州)He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.(困境)

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba


I should try to memorize the two new words.

大胃贝克汉姆 2006-09-26 15:06

ding!!!!

harvey66 2006-09-26 20:30

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

大胃贝克汉姆 2006-09-26 23:47

感谢LZ给偶加了SW, 已经回礼了噢!

harvey66 2006-09-27 22:46

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

annieyu 2006-09-27 22:57

引用:

作者: harvey66 (帖子 1059727)
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

I would like to get into this kind of room too:wdb6:

harvey66 2006-09-28 19:45

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

harvey66 2006-09-29 13:59

Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.”
“What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?”
“Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”

harvey66 2006-09-29 14:00

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 1059755)
I would like to get into this kind of room too:wdb6:

I get into such rooms everyday but get older and older.

annieyu 2006-09-30 14:58

Have you noticed that someone who got FN in April 21st,2006,has received his/her ME,so maybe you are going to grasp your one too .

harvey66 2006-10-01 06:49

引用:

作者: annieyu (帖子 1067273)
Have you noticed that someone who got FN in April 21st,2006,has received his/her ME,so maybe you are going to grasp your one too .

Thank you , I hope so.

harvey66 2006-10-01 07:06

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

katrina lv 2012-02-14 00:18

mark